Coutelier: Aerie's Day

All around was darkness and despair. I heard children weeping and women crying for all the things they had lost, but I couldn’t find them to comfort them, for they were no more than shadows trapped in a world with no hope, as was I. Until I looked up and saw a light.

It was a far and distant thing at first; a solitary star adrift in an endless black sea. As it slowly drew nearer it appeared to take the shape of a bird; nearer still and I realised that it was no bird, but my mother. I thought that at last she had come to take me home.

So I ran, and I called to her. It took all the air in my lungs to yell above the moaning shadows… yet she flew right by. I didn’t understand how she could not have seen me. But, I knew so long as she was within my sight I could not give up.

So I continued to run. I ran like I had never ran before; I soon realised I was running like an Avariel was never meant to. Muscles that had been mostly ignored throughout my development soon were stretched beyond their limits. As my legs became weak I wobbled and fell to the ground. Several times I pulled myself backup to continue my desperate chase, but each time she became further and further away. The fifth time I fell, my body simply hadn’t the strength to stand again no matter how much I willed it to. I continued to watch my mother fly away, while all I could do was shed tears born of my frustration and despair.

Then the shadows took hold of me. They scratched and clawed and started dragging me under the earth. One last time I called to her, begging her to save me… but by now she was a solitary star again, forever out of my reach.

And so, to the annoyance of many and the amusement of some, I started the day with a scream. After the moment it took to adjust to this reality, I found that all I could do was tell everyone I was sorry. Imoen laughed, Jaheira didn’t to seem to care very much, but Tarant gave me this look. It was the type of look I imagine most people would reserve for the moment just before they carry out an extremely bloody vengeange on the person who had killed their donkey; but it was actually normal for him. He suggested that I should eat and told everyone to be ready to move out.

Jaheira then said something about how glad she was to be outdoors, and in response Tarant walked away grumpily, muttering something about ‘miles and miles of green’.

I tried to forget about the nightmare I’d had. To tell myself that it was just because of something I’d ate or me sleeping on my side, anything to avoid pondering it’s meaning and having it affect my mood for the rest of the day. But, they come to me most nights, even if they are not usually so vivid.

Very soon our group was on the road towards De’Arnise keep. Nalia had sent a message informing us of problems with bandits and, grudgingly I expect, asked for Tarant’s help. My leader is grumpy, rude, and does what he can to avoid actually becoming friends with anyone. Perhaps it’s his distance from others that makes him so formidable. I know I could never kill as easily as he can, but I have come to appreciate that people like him are needed in this world, because people like me dream too much.

From listening to stories told by Quayle and other, far more eloquent, Bards, I’d almost been led to believe that forests are constantly teeming with bandits and monsters and that ancient dragons rest in every single cave. In fact, on a typical day nothing really happens. Wild animals have had millennia to learn that its best to keep their distance from people armed with spears and bows. Once, a whole tenday went by with out a single attack, before Jaheira finally admitted she was lost.

Anyway, it’s usually just us and the trees and whatever tiny animals are waiting to feed on the scraps we drop them. I share Jaheira’s earlier sentiment, much preferring the outdoors to the cramped and crowded cities. But, it is easy for your mind to wander out here, and mine constantly wandered back to that nightmare.

Even after all this time, I was homesick. Human cities are filled with millions of faces which to my eyes blur to become one visage of cold indifference. I wanted more than anything to feel the warmth and love of my family again. Just to speak to them… to know that they were unhurt. But they were out of reach.

I know, like I’ve honestly known since the day they took my wings, that I could spend my entire life reaching for that star… or, I could try my best to learn to live again, even if this world is different. And I’ve always known I would choose the later. Even if I could go home, I’ve already seen so much that I could never be content seeing the world so small as it looks to the Avariel.

So here I am. Just a strange girl in a strange world; not truly Avariel or even elven anymore. Certainly not a human or a gnome either. Perhaps I’ll always feel like an outsider wherever I am. All I can do, and all I ever do, is try my best.

I didn’t want to think about this anymore, as it was making me very unhappy, so I started looking for ways to distract myself. The others usually pass the time singing or talking to each other. If I sing, I make sure no one else can hear since I haven’t much of a singing voice, and I can rarely think of much to contribute to a conversation so mostly I just listen.

I listen to Edwin enjoying his own company, as usual. At first, Edwin seemed like a very vain, shallow and cruel little man. He still does, but now I understand that like most people I’ve met, he ultimately just seeks the approval of his peers. To be loved. Unfortunately, since he doesn’t think anyone can love him for who he is, he feels he has to make them.

(written on side of page…)
I know that despite my efforts to hide it, you, Imoen, will likely read this and think that’s ‘corny’. To you I say, ‘I don’t care’. These are my private thoughts and nothing to do with you. Shouldn’t you be memorising your spells rather than going through my things anyway?
(written underneath…)
Yeah, if it’s so private than why’d you write it down?
(written underneath…)
For myself, I suppose. Usually my thoughts are such a mess so it helps to make them clearer. Please, just don’t tell anyone what I write about them.
(written underneath…)
As if I would. Liked the dream by the way. Bit angsty though… why can’t you write something cheerful?
(written underneath…)
I do, sometimes. I’m just not usually feeling cheerful after having nightmares.
(written underneath…)
Really? I guess it never occurred to me because you hide it so well…
(Aerie draws a little round face sticking its tongue out)
(Imoen draws one too, although her lines aren’t as neat, then she writes...)
Hey! It’s fun talking this way!

And then there’s Minsc… who wouldn’t want a mighty seven berserker, and Boo, protecting them? Although, its hard to prove to people that I’m not weak and defenceless when he does. And, as far as conversation goes… Minsc always makes me smile when he speaks and promises to clean the outhouse of evil. But sometimes I feel I need a little more than my brave protector can provide. He doesn’t appreciate the value of a beautiful sculpture in quite the same way I do, for example. In fact, last time we visited Nalia he used a priceless work of art as a club.

So, if I do want to talk, I usually end up talking to Imoen. I feel more comfortable talking than to anyone else. Even though I can’t always follow her mode of speech, and even though she plays tricks on us she is always kind to everyone. She doesn’t talk down to me like some of the others do. And she’s funny. And brave… and I really can’t say anything but nice things about her, because she might read this and get mad and beat me if I write the truth.

(written on side of page…)
You forgot to mention ‘beautiful’, so you’d better not be planning on sitting down for the next year.
(written underneath…)
Eek! I’m sorry… I can go back and change it!

I choose to say nothing at first, not wanting to slow the others down or be a burden on them. I try to persevere for a while longer, but I knew that if I didn’t rest soon then I was likely going to collapse anyway and not be of any help at all if an enemy should find us. Luckily, before I needed to whine about it, Minsc came across what appeared to be an ideal place to make camp so we stopped with just a few hours of light left.

At last I could rest, or so I thought. Unfortunately Jaheira had other plans for me. Since there was still light, we were going to practice my combat skills. I was allowed just a little time to regain my strength, and to secretly pray to Baervar that Orcs or Giants would get to me before the druid did.

Jaheira is the person I find hardest to understand. Out of everyone, she is the person I most respect and look up to… sorry Immy. She is very strong, level-headed and beautiful. With her mane of tawny hair, she reminds of a lioness (um, even though I do know it’s the male lions that have manes…). And every time I face her I feel like a helpless doe animal that knows it can’t escape. That’s certainly how I felt when I picked up my staff and went to wait for her in the clearing.

The training though, was necessary. Although I had tried hard and proven my competence with magic, spells ran out or it could be hard to cast them at all if you’re too busy avoiding an opponents swings. Jaheira seems genuine in her desire to teach me enough so that if I should get into a fight like that, I won’t be killed right away. But sadly, its only when we fight that we ever feel close to each other. At one time I wanted to impress her so much… but it didn’t seem to matter how hard I tried or how well I did, it was never enough and she’s often cold to me. I’m not sure whether it’s because she expects too much from me – she must know I’m never going to be as strong as her? Or maybe, like Tarant, she prefers keeping people at a certain distance, perhaps because of the loss she suffered… still, there are times when she just makes me very angry.

And now she was late. As I waited, I couldn’t help but be reminded of how I used to feel when I waited for my mother to come and punish me after I’d been caught misbehaving or flying too far from the city… I didn’t want to remember that, so I cast my mind back to the deal I’d made with Imoen earlier.

She’d promised she would share her cookies with me if one of two conditions could be met; I had to either knock Jaheira off her feet or remain on mine for at least three minutes. I think Imoen knew it was a pretty safe bet.

When she finally did arrive and we started to spar, I was down in less than ten seconds, and down again in an even shorter amount of time. It felt like she was attacking me with even more intensity than usual. Jaheira is, of course, well aware that she is physically far more powerful than I am, so usually when we train she holds back a bit so as not to cause a serious injury. It didn’t feel like she was today. My arms ached every time our staffs collided and then she hit across the face causing my nose to bleed.

Since it had been a long time since we’d argued about anything, I could only assume that Tarant was responsible for her mood. I’d overheard them arguing earlier… they were always arguing about something. Even so, I didn’t see why I should be beat up because of it.

After knocking me down again, she lowered her guard a little and I saw an opening. With every ounce of strength I could muster, I thrust my staff upwards so that the end of it hit her hard in the shoulder. She staggered backwards a bit, and my heart stopped as I waited to see how she would react. Her face went through the phases of shock, then anger… but then, she smiled and nodded and my heart started beating again.

I was not, however, able to knock her down. And even though she went a little easier on me after that, I was never able to stay on my feet for three whole minutes. One and a half minutes I managed, which I considered a moral victory at least, but sadly it wasn’t nearly enough to earn a cookie.

As we did fight however, I was reminded of why it was I wanted to be an adventurer. Despite how hard it was, despite the fact that caves and dungeons and any closed in space suffocates me… when I fought, I felt this exhilaration. As I tried to dodge and counter I felt my heart beat faster and my blood becoming quicker. It had been like this the first time I’d fought against Kalah. Despite how scared I was then, it had been the first time in many years that I’d actually felt I was alive, and not just a thing to be gawked at or pushed around. There were times in battle when I almost felt like I was flying again.

After dark, I completed some chores made sure I’d memorised all my spells. When the moon was at its highest I prayed to Baervar that he would grant me the power I needed, and then I was ready to return to the campfire and fall asleep.

“But… I tried, but, I didn’t do it,” I told her, as if she didn’t already know that.

“Doesn’t matter,” she said, grinning quirkily as usual, “That’s why I like you.”

“You try your best, but you fail. There’s something very human about that… and anyway, you will try again, won’t ya?”

I nodded my consent and accepted the cookie. Even though I wasn’t sure how much I liked being thought of as a valiant loser, it was better than being someone who never even tried to do anything. And perhaps, Imoen had made me feel that I had found a place where I belonged and a family. And even though I knew I would never stop thinking about my real family, at least now the time we spend apart is so much more bearable.

And that night I slept well, dreaming of friends and friendship, knowing that there would be a dawn.

Aerie's Day ~*~

Aerie's Day
~*~